Cherie is on my mind.

When I think of Cherie, I think of all sorts of things.  Here are a few memories that I won't ever forget:

I remember going over to her house with Melissa to babysit Katelyn and Spencer.  I think it might have been before Hayden was born, but I could be wrong.  I remember it was the greatest job ever, because we got to eat all the AMAZING food we wanted to while sitting on the couch watching any movie we could practically THINK of.  They had them all I swear.  And Katelyn and Spencer were the greatest kids in the universe to babysit.  They were so nice, so fun, and would simply lay down in the bed and watch a movie to fall asleep.  It was the greatest gig ever.  I also remember spending a Christmas morning at this house too.  We went over after our Christmas to spend Christmas morning at Cherie's house.  It was so perfect and I loved it.

I still remember how upsetting it was for me as a kid to learn that Cherie and her family were moving to Orlando. It really was terrible news.  But then, I remember visiting Orlando. And man, that was an incredible vacation.  I think I am taking all of the times we visited and combining it into on epic trip, so yes.  It was absolutely incredible.  I remember eating chocolate chip ice cream and watching King of Queens all night long with Melissa.  Lauren, I hate to break it to you but your not in this memory.  Not so sure why.  I really do have a terrible memory.  When the St. John's came back to live in Bountiful I was so, so, happy.  I was in high school at the time (I think?  Maybe late Jr. High?) but either way too busy and absorbed with whatever it is people in that age group are busy and absorbed with (they really are strange creatures.  I teach them and often think, wow you don't live in the same universe as the rest of humanity) to spend enough time with the St. John's.  But all of the family gatherings instantly were better once they were back in town.  And still today I get double excited for any event where the St. John's are coming. They're like, "the cool cousins".  You know?  All athletic with genuinely funny sense of humors.  Intimidating bunch really, but all so fun and so nice.  I truly do love every single one of them.  I want to be around them more.  Katelyn came on the cousins trip this year, and man I loved it.  I got to know her differently then I ever had before, and I am so happy for that.  When I think of Cherie the first thing I think about is how funny she is.  I truly think she has said some of the single most hilarious things.  I know when she is around I will always get a solid laugh in, and I don't think I can say that about any other person I know.

When my mom was single and we were living in this small bungalow type house, I was working on learning the Tchaikovsky Sugar Plum Fair duet for a Christmas recital of some sort.  I think I ended up playing it at some random festival of trees waste-of-my-time type thing...but that doesn't even matter. Because the true performance of this piece happened when I played it for some family members. Right in the middle of my playing Cherie hopped up and literally started ballet dancing and leaping and doing  amazing ballerina type things.  It was one of the greatest moments ever, I still haven't accompanied for any event as riveting as that one.

It is hard to even really say that Cherie is sick, and that she is so sick that she is dying. I have heard it, and I can see that she is sick, but I don't think I am really understanding it.  I don't really understand death.  I am so grateful ever day that my family has such a beautiful and firm believe in an amazing and better life after this one.  And I certainly cope by holding onto that belief and finding comfort in the fact that they all believe that this is true.  And maybe I do believe this?  Or maybe the point is to have faith in it, whether it seems believable or not?  But in the end, I just feel fine with not knowing for sure.  Because, in the end, nobody can KNOW this.  But can anybody really KNOW anything?  And these are the spiral thoughts I have as I lay in bed at night...until the zzzquill hits.  Thank god for zzzquill.

But I will say that I am currently being forced to ask myself these questions and think about these things.  Because everyday I start by thinking of Cherie, and what it would be like to know that you don't have much time left.  And it makes me sad, because I know how much I am going to miss her, and it makes my heart hurt.  I think of her amazing kids, and how they deserve to have the amazing mother forever until they are old themselves.  I hate this, it seems really stupid and it just doesn't make sense to me.  But everyday I want to try and focus on feeling thankful.  I am thankful that I have a family who loves me, and who truly would be there, no matter what, no matter when, if I needed them.  Lauren has tested this for me on several occaions :) and the limits truly are endless. Sometimes I ask myself what would happen if I completely failed at school, and failed with the YC, and failed with my teaching, and I ran out of money, and things were breaking in my house one by one, and my car was slowly dying, (some of these may or may not be true...) and then I freak out entirely and start playing fetch aggressively with Gizmo.  And in the end, I know that it would all be okay. Because i'm not alone, I have the most incredible family in the world that would help me get back up on my feet again,and they would do this over and over because that is just the type of people we are.  Now just to be clear, I can get dramatic and intense about where my thoughts go, and don't genuinely believe that all of those terrible things are going to happen.  It's sort of how I help myself gain perspective when I am in the mental depths of despair (I think its the artist in me).  BUT. Even if everything did turn to crap, I can remember all of the other things that are more important.  The people in my life are more important then anything else.  My family truly is my rock.  I feel like the strongest girl in the world knowing that they are behind me and supporting me, and cheering me on.

And this is my stream of consciousness...now I think I will be able to sleep.