Fury monster costume options.

When I woke up this morning I knew that the only thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.  And so, I had the luxury of doing just that.  Golds has truly become a sanctuary to me, a place where I can go and  escape.  I literally feel guilty about the amount of time I am spending there, but I've realized sometimes a truly good workout takes a couple hours.  Today 2 1/2 hours literally flew.  I lifted with Casey, and we actually gave enough time in between sets that our bodies could rest.  So it was slow, but heavy lifting.  It really has been an incredible experience actually experiencing what is like to "feel stronger" in a very measurable way.  I can do more weight, and more reps.  And it hasn't taken that long to feel significantly stronger even.  I know that all it takes is a focused and sincere work outs, consistently.  I think, in the end, if you were to want to do anything or be anybody, this is what it takes.  I think it takes a focused and sincere investment, consistently.  

I have been thinking about this idea of energy, and what it means to have it.  And what it is.  Because I think there must be a certain amount of energy us human beings have.  And I think this amount of energy varies depending on each human, and of course varies in ones own life as well.  And the things we do take completely different amounts of energy, that isn't at all proportional to the time time being spent, while we are investing that energy. Sometimes after teaching for 30 minutes I can lose 50% of all my energy if it is  hard lesson.  Other times a 30 minute lesson feeds my energy and I have more after I am done.  Normally it is somewhere in between this broad spectrum in a more neutral "energy zone" if you will.  Sometimes when I practice for 3 hours it feels like only 10% of my energy was used.  And when I go to the gym, my physical energy gets sapped, but my mental energy can get exponentially bigger.  And performances can be incredible experiences.  It takes energy to manage nerves and confidence issues, then it takes huge amounts of energy to truly perform in a very sincere, honest, and selfless way, then it takes energy just processing the experience of the performance once it is over.  That can be flat out exhausting.  Anyway, I think my point is...I'm out of energy today.

The Tuesday and Wednesday Monster Concert rehearsals came and went successfully.  For those of you who don't know, the Monster Concert is a major production the piano department puts on each year in Kent Concert Hall.  All of the YC kids learn duets.  The concert is full of 21 different pianos, and so each kid is playing with a huge ensemble.  It is an incredibly empowering experience for these kids to be apart of something so big.  And they all have to work so hard to stay together, watch the conductor, etc.  We have a skit going on that ties in each piece.  This years theme is "We've Got Rhythm" and the pieces are great.  Dr. Olson's goal was to pick songs, "that even the dads would recognize".  Duets like Journey's "Don't Stop Believin," The Pink Panther, and a beetles song are being played.  And we even sprung for a new monster costume this year, and I must say.  It's freaking adorable.  Or as my students say, which I think is pure genius and hope to use at appropriate moments, "totes adorbs".  I got to help pick out the costume. It was fun to be apart of this project and getting emails labeled, "Rury monster costume options"from my professors.  And yes, all parties had very strong opinions on which monster was obviously the best. If anybody is interested in seeing the concert it is this Saturday at 6:00 pm.  HERE is the link to purchase tickets.  I will be backstage hoping that nothing absolutely catastrophic happens.  Or making sure that when something catastrophic happens, none of you know about it.  And notice the programs.  Yup.  I totally did those.

So now I am home again safe and sound.  Feeling good about all of the things that were accomplished today, but feeling like I am still behind.  I think this is just what it feels like to be in grad school.  Or is this just what it feels like to be an adult? ... 

Gizmo and I practiced, "take a bow" tonight.  My little circus doggy.

Best.  Treat.  Ever.  I just know thats what he's thinking.

Cherie is on my mind.

When I think of Cherie, I think of all sorts of things.  Here are a few memories that I won't ever forget:

I remember going over to her house with Melissa to babysit Katelyn and Spencer.  I think it might have been before Hayden was born, but I could be wrong.  I remember it was the greatest job ever, because we got to eat all the AMAZING food we wanted to while sitting on the couch watching any movie we could practically THINK of.  They had them all I swear.  And Katelyn and Spencer were the greatest kids in the universe to babysit.  They were so nice, so fun, and would simply lay down in the bed and watch a movie to fall asleep.  It was the greatest gig ever.  I also remember spending a Christmas morning at this house too.  We went over after our Christmas to spend Christmas morning at Cherie's house.  It was so perfect and I loved it.

I still remember how upsetting it was for me as a kid to learn that Cherie and her family were moving to Orlando. It really was terrible news.  But then, I remember visiting Orlando. And man, that was an incredible vacation.  I think I am taking all of the times we visited and combining it into on epic trip, so yes.  It was absolutely incredible.  I remember eating chocolate chip ice cream and watching King of Queens all night long with Melissa.  Lauren, I hate to break it to you but your not in this memory.  Not so sure why.  I really do have a terrible memory.  When the St. John's came back to live in Bountiful I was so, so, happy.  I was in high school at the time (I think?  Maybe late Jr. High?) but either way too busy and absorbed with whatever it is people in that age group are busy and absorbed with (they really are strange creatures.  I teach them and often think, wow you don't live in the same universe as the rest of humanity) to spend enough time with the St. John's.  But all of the family gatherings instantly were better once they were back in town.  And still today I get double excited for any event where the St. John's are coming. They're like, "the cool cousins".  You know?  All athletic with genuinely funny sense of humors.  Intimidating bunch really, but all so fun and so nice.  I truly do love every single one of them.  I want to be around them more.  Katelyn came on the cousins trip this year, and man I loved it.  I got to know her differently then I ever had before, and I am so happy for that.  When I think of Cherie the first thing I think about is how funny she is.  I truly think she has said some of the single most hilarious things.  I know when she is around I will always get a solid laugh in, and I don't think I can say that about any other person I know.

When my mom was single and we were living in this small bungalow type house, I was working on learning the Tchaikovsky Sugar Plum Fair duet for a Christmas recital of some sort.  I think I ended up playing it at some random festival of trees waste-of-my-time type thing...but that doesn't even matter. Because the true performance of this piece happened when I played it for some family members. Right in the middle of my playing Cherie hopped up and literally started ballet dancing and leaping and doing  amazing ballerina type things.  It was one of the greatest moments ever, I still haven't accompanied for any event as riveting as that one.

It is hard to even really say that Cherie is sick, and that she is so sick that she is dying. I have heard it, and I can see that she is sick, but I don't think I am really understanding it.  I don't really understand death.  I am so grateful ever day that my family has such a beautiful and firm believe in an amazing and better life after this one.  And I certainly cope by holding onto that belief and finding comfort in the fact that they all believe that this is true.  And maybe I do believe this?  Or maybe the point is to have faith in it, whether it seems believable or not?  But in the end, I just feel fine with not knowing for sure.  Because, in the end, nobody can KNOW this.  But can anybody really KNOW anything?  And these are the spiral thoughts I have as I lay in bed at night...until the zzzquill hits.  Thank god for zzzquill.

But I will say that I am currently being forced to ask myself these questions and think about these things.  Because everyday I start by thinking of Cherie, and what it would be like to know that you don't have much time left.  And it makes me sad, because I know how much I am going to miss her, and it makes my heart hurt.  I think of her amazing kids, and how they deserve to have the amazing mother forever until they are old themselves.  I hate this, it seems really stupid and it just doesn't make sense to me.  But everyday I want to try and focus on feeling thankful.  I am thankful that I have a family who loves me, and who truly would be there, no matter what, no matter when, if I needed them.  Lauren has tested this for me on several occaions :) and the limits truly are endless. Sometimes I ask myself what would happen if I completely failed at school, and failed with the YC, and failed with my teaching, and I ran out of money, and things were breaking in my house one by one, and my car was slowly dying, (some of these may or may not be true...) and then I freak out entirely and start playing fetch aggressively with Gizmo.  And in the end, I know that it would all be okay. Because i'm not alone, I have the most incredible family in the world that would help me get back up on my feet again,and they would do this over and over because that is just the type of people we are.  Now just to be clear, I can get dramatic and intense about where my thoughts go, and don't genuinely believe that all of those terrible things are going to happen.  It's sort of how I help myself gain perspective when I am in the mental depths of despair (I think its the artist in me).  BUT. Even if everything did turn to crap, I can remember all of the other things that are more important.  The people in my life are more important then anything else.  My family truly is my rock.  I feel like the strongest girl in the world knowing that they are behind me and supporting me, and cheering me on.

And this is my stream of consciousness...now I think I will be able to sleep.

First rehearsal down.

I actually feel pretty good about this run.  I wasn't feeling motivated at all, but as I got into it my body warmed up and I was able to make up for my 4.5 mph start.  But 5.6 mph average is lame.  Oh well.  

After my run an adorable old man came to talk to me while I was stretching. He told me when he was in high school he used to be able to run a 4 minute and 40 second mile.  He talked about how his wife lives in an assisted care facility that is 4 blocks away from his house.  He told me I reminded him of his granddaughter who also lives alone, but with a dog that she loves.  I loved the conversation, an felt like we both made each other feel really happy.

In a dither I came home and cooked fish while getting ready for class.  I realized midway through the process how absolutely bizarre this is.  If somebody would have told me I would be taking time out of my day to cook two fish fillets, I would have called them crazy.

My music history seminar today was...an unravelling experience.  An amazing music researcher named Margaret Bent wrote an article called, "Diatonic Ficta" which in itself is a sneaky title.  We are discussing the treatises and theory behind the music written during the renaissance.  Mostly monophonic chants and other religiously based music performed in monasteries.  What an incredible time to have lived. If I could go back to any point in history, I would want to go there right now.  They would literally pluck at monochord, (a string pulled taught) to decide the "start pitch".  Then from there sing hauntingly beautiful chants based on a highly complex modal system.  Modern minds can't even begin to define what it was they were doing theoretically, yet we try anyway.  So I have had the opportunity to read and discuss these horribly complex articles on this type of music, then critique the shit out of it, and hear other people do the same thing then present a counter argument which can also never be proven.  Oh I love this field.  

I taught after this class, then the Monster Concert rehearsals began.  Meet our new Monster.  His name is FrankenSteinway.  

The amount of time and stress that goes into this event immediately is worth it when you see how much the kids love it.  I love my job, despite the persistent head ache it gives me.  

What a day.

So.  Today was a big day.  I woke up at 6 and practiced (as mentioned in my earlier post) then went to the gym.  I worked back, biceps, and core which always makes me feel my strongest.  It was wonderful.  I then was able to do cardio at the end with a 4 mile run.

Meh.  Not too slow.  Definitely not too fast.

Meet Casey and Chantel, the two amazing people I get to train with.

I had my lesson at 2:00 today with Professor Hirst.  It completely changed my entire timeline, perspective, and plan.  So in other words, changed my life.  In the best way possible.  I have recently experienced a shift in my practice big time.  Instead of focusing on becoming the best musician I can be, and instead of focusing on developing as a pianist, I have been focusing on deadlines.  And it is destroying my ability to feel like a healthy, full, and satisfied pianist.  I hate performing music that isn't ready.  I feel like the pressure is preventing me to take my time to understand, love, and appreciate the piece I am playing.   So, the answer was simple.  I am going to not think about a deadline.  At all.  I can still play my recital and earn my masters any time in between now and January 2014.  This is a leap of faith, and an experience I haven't ever had before.  I am a scheduler.  

After a long afternoon of teaching and YC responsibilities I came home to Gizmo Pierre, who is the single best greeter in the universe.  When I get to give him my full attention I can finally stop stressing and just exist.  It is the best way I have found to unwind.  I love to work on testing Gizmo's patience, and pushing his limits.  We normally play an epic game of indoor fetch then after 20 minutes or so he'll start scratching the counter that has his toys and treats in it.  Then I make him wait very patiently to eat his treat.  Tonight he even could handle me placing the treat directly on and right in between his paws.  

And now, in addition to being a little too crazy about my dog, I get to blog.  I think this is going to be a healthy outlet for me.  It is so strange to come home and not tell anybody about your day.  It's almost like it didn't happen...

So this is what I eat...

I have learned that it is important to eat intuitively, and listen to our bodies to know what we need to be eating.  I also have learned that dieting is bad because it is unsustainable and can lead to binge eating, weight fluctuation, and an unhealthy relationships with food and eating.  However, I have also learned that for me intuitive eating has not lead me to the results I am looking for.  For all of my adult life (and most of my teenage years too) I have been very conscious about healthy eating and exercise.  Despite this dedication I have never felt satisfied about my body and the way it looks and feels.  AND I'M SICK OF IT!

So I have thrown intuitive eating out the window and (with the help and encouragement from my truly inspired and amazing trainers Casey and Chantel), replaced "my intuition" it with a strict meal plan.  After one week of eating this way I have broken through a huge plateau in my training and fitness goals.  And I feel fantastic.  I am a firm believer that everybody needs to figure out what works for them, and right now I have no doubt in my mind that this is what is currently working for me. I  know it is unrealistic to do this for a lifetime, but that isn't my plan.  So, here is what I eat each day:

This is a giant breakfast!  I eat 1 egg, 3 egg whites, 1/3 cup of oatmeal, and 1/3 of a banana.
 I try to drink 20 oz. of water with every meal.

I drink both of these after my workout at the gym, which is usually around noon.

For lunch I eat 5 oz. of white fish (typically tilapia), half a sweet potato, and a handful of asparagus.
The fish is frozen and seasoned already, so all I have to do is throw it in the oven.  I can microwave it too
on days that I have to be at school. I also take my GNC supplements with this meal.

I look forward to eating this at 4:00 pm.  It is delicious and tastes like a candybar to me.  Eventually
I might have to switch it out for a protein bar that has less sugar, but for now I savor every bite.  YUM.

For dinner I have a small salad with light dressing and 5 oz. of fishy again.
This meal is always one I have to eat at school, so I prepare it all at home before hand.
 It really does taste pretty darn good even though it's not freshly made.

At the end of the day around 8:00 pm I eat 4 egg whites.

With this diet I am able to work our at a hard intensity two hours a day.  The most important and difficult thing about eating this way has been the planning.  Once I have done the prep it is easy to eat the meals each day, and actually saves me a lot of stress and worry about food.  I have not had any issues that I have had in the past with going crazy and eating anything in sight after a few days of deprivation, and I haven't skipped any meals or obsessed about keeping track of calories.  In fact, I am certain that this is the healthiest I have ever eaten in my entire life.  

I am a bit weary to talk about numbers as I discuss fitness...but I do feel like I should report that I lost and inch and a half around my abdominals/hips and two pounds of fat.  N ts N ts N ts.   

Monday practice session.

I am out of bed and making coffee on a Monday at 6:00 am.  I am preparing to sit my tush down on the piano bench and get some serious work done.  For the first time in my life I am embracing the ritual of making coffee in the morning. Thanks to Lauren I now have my own little coffee maker, and I drink it out of the mug Melissa gave me years ago.  Thanks sisters.

You can make a cup too.  Decaf is totally an option.  And by the way, that Splenda Nectresse is amazing.

Meet my little sister Lauren if you haven't already.

Lauren and Melissa, the 2 greatest sisters a girl could ask for and two of my very best friends in the entire world.

I am feeling particularly overwhelmed by practicing today.  I recently have found myself in a dither.  My program that I need to play is bigger then anything I have ever played before.  Particularly the Liszt piece I am working on called "Vallee D'Obermann" and the 3rd movement of the Beethoven Sonata in F Major Opus 10 No. 2.  I am to a point where if things don't start coming together then I will need to select new pieces to play.  Playing a program that I can feel proud of is the most important thing to me, not when I get it done or how hard the pieces are.  

It is amazing the process that one must go through in order to effectively perform a piece of music.  One of the biggest challenges for me is developing my own musical ideas then trying to express them the same way I hear it in my head.  I am struggling to match the sound that I want in the Liszt because the technic required is above my playing level.  Last week as I practiced I felt pain in my right arm.  Bad, very bad.  I am under pressure to perform frequently (each Thursday at 11:30 during studio class).  This performance opportunity is really good, but only if I approach it correctly.  I have been pushing through the entire piece no matter how it feels, just to get from the start to the finish.  This is never, ever something I would encourage a student to do.  It is amazing how I find myself falling into the same traps I try to encourage my students to avoid.  My goal for my practice this morning is for it to stay calm, organized, and controlled with a clear focus of what I am trying to do each time a key goes down.  The amount of focus necessary for this type of practicing is intense!  Wish me luck...

Longest run in a while...

Today I did the longest run I have done in a while.  I usually get Sundays off but I slacked yesterday and paid this morning.  The run went better then I anticipated and I finished quicker then I thought I would.  I started at a comfortable pace of 5 mph then slowly went quicker until I finally sprinted the last quarter mile at 8 mph.  For me this is practically a miracle.  I am training for a half marathon in Moab on March 16th.  Here is my schedule thus far.  I just ended week 2.